crowbots- tiges etc

I've been writing columns for the Adelaide Review. This was written for the start of the season. For one reason or another, space and timing, it was held up for a few issues. At one point, it could've made a serendipitous issue that coincided with an Adelaide vs Richmond game. But alas, not to have been. Things change a lot during the season. Those two teams have been written off and have gotten up off the mat several times now. It will grind on, the players being shoved into the dirt during the coldest months which are upon us now.Carrying the hopes of the loyal marks, I mean punters with them...This is the unedited piece, with all sorts of collateral junk kept in....

I feel bad kicking the Adelaide Crows – but - I write this from Melbourne. So i feel a sense of detachment and and the security of several hundred miles between myself and anybody who might get upset. I also wrote this a few weeks ago now and football changes fortunes pretty quickly. The pundits are all supremely unequivocal in the demolition of careers and personalities but they also change like the wind. They flip flop! The archmchair brigade!
So here goes. the Crows. Has there ever been a more desperately humourless team? (Until they lost so many in a row.Now, like a departing politician, they assume human form and sensibility again) Their coach, what’s his name? Dentures! All the science and technology, the relentless drilling down into statistics - where’s the simple joy of playing? Such a brittle construct to begin with. Scott Hodges, he failed in the big room. Same as that blonde headed wingman with the viking mullett. (Which one?) Then there was Andrew Jarman, we already have Rex Hunt as he’s as phony as a three dollar bill. Ken Cunningham was odd but it got confusing trying to translate his garbled vowels and messed up consonants. (Could have been the noise of my chillum as well though.) The inside of the screen was covered in spittle. Graham Cornes climbed out of his coffin to bite the inviting neck of a passing virgin every once in a while. That was good, he was a player. He tried it on for North Melbourne in the seventies but he had no flesh on his bones cos he lived only on fluid - blood. He could fly for a mark but the treacherous Victorian winds blew him out to sea. It got to be embarrassing trudging back through the gates, with his boots on, all drenched and hair messed up.
 
A couple of players transcended the constraints of the uptight panto story they had to follow. The amazing Tony Modra, the premiership winning Darren Jarman and current marquee star Andrew Macleod. The rest? They’ve earned the nickname my nephews in Sydney have for them: “Crowbots”.(And in Sydney they only heard about AFL recently, when they were given a premiership for a stir).
 
Both Adelaide teams need to go right down to the bottom of the ladder and to see what’s there. The fans need to get a grip, a sense of humour. It’s hopeless! You’ll never win anything! That’s where you start and everything else is a bonus. Like life, really.
 
All that hopeless drama was there in the SANFL. These synthetic teams have to live and love a little. I know Richmond fans, and if that team ever gets a few wins on the board, there are many tens of thousands of them, who endure each season with such a grim, dark and damaged outlook. A power team of the 70s, their last premiership was in 1980. The club beheads presidents and coaches every other season. Like a tiny African republic, it has been said. Kevin Bartlett refuses to go back to the club which sacked him as coach in the mid 80s. He is forever dirty on them, but smiles and waves when asked. Their president of the glory years, Graeme Richmond, used to run the Seaview Ballroom, which was the home of punk rock in Melbourne in the late seventies. Champion wingman Francis Bourke ran the Tiger Lounge which was another post punk venue. Champion centreman Ian Stewart (who they had swapped with St. Kilda for Billy Barrott) ran another music venue. My Tiger friend said to me the other day, “At least it’s not like this time last year. Then we had hope! At least we don’t have that this year!” (Last year Richmond rode a wave of Ben Cousins inspired euphoria which crashed early in the first quarter of the first game, as Ben’s hamstring pinged and the crowd gasped, went all floppy and left the stadium in single filed silent misery.) Bens back in favour with the pundits now. Taking one for the team. They stare at him and ask what drugs are like. Their bellies spill out as the buttons pop on their shirts , reaching for a pie and opining that he has ruined his health. Ben smiles and winks at his private film crew.
St Kilda fans can’t bear being in the finals, they don’t know what to do. Hope is not an option. The Crows , well Darren Jarman, destroyed them in 1997 and ever since the Saints dread being put in that position. Daring to hope!

The late JG Ballard wrote in one of his later novels that the hysteria around sport is a guide to how terrifically bored the population is. Melbourne is top of the ladder I think. World class. How is Adelaide doing in that Dream Team comp?

Henry Wagons barracks for the Tigers. He always asks about Dale “Flea” Weightman. The Flea stopped playing in the late 80s. Stu Perera and Mark Fitzgibbon , who play in my band, also go for the Tiges, they have to be told when the season is on. Mick Molloy is a big fan too. He is emblematic of Richmond fans. Comic Pain!Heres some other emblematic barrackers.
St Kilda= Mollly Meldrum, Clare Moore, Johnny Depp.
Essendon = Peter Costello, Aldo Ray.
North Melbourne = Tim Rogers.Simon Crean, Karl malden.
Melbourne = David Bridie, Andrew Duffield.
Carlton = Robert Menzies, Bob Santamaria, Martin Scorcese.
Geelong = John Brumby, Felicity kennett, Dennis Walter.
Western Bulldogs = Ernie Sigley.
Brisbane Lions = Bert Newton, Ben Michaels from the Sand Pebbles, Ernest Borgnine.
West Coke Eagles = Ashley Davies, Tab Hunter.
Fremantle Dockers = The Remaining Triffids, Donald O’Connor.
Collingwood = Kim Salmon and Paul Keating, neither of whom care a damn about football. Political cachet only. Mick harvey is a true believer, Norman Wisdom.
Sydney Swans = Conway savage from the Bad Seeds , Abe Saffron, Karl Stefanovic, Bob Skilton!
Hawthorn = Jeff Kennett.
Port Power = Bubbles Obst ?
Adelaide Crows = Graham Cornes ?
Gold Coast = Barnaby Joyce ?
Western Sydney = Dave Graney

As to the latter, I am taking the rare opportunity to barrack for a team with no players or colours or name . Its peaceful over here.



The Grace Darling - Smith Street Collingwood- Thursday 8th July w/ Jane Dust and the Giant Hoopoes.
Thursday 15th July w/ the Stu Thomas Paradox
Thursday 22nd July w/ Go Go Sapien.

Oscars Alehouse- 7 Bayview rd Belgrave Saturday 10th and 17th July.

Then we head to Sydney

Thursday 29th July at Lizottes on the Central Coast.
Friday 30th July at Lizottes in newcastle
Saturday 31st July at Notes Live in Newtown
Sunday 1st August the Brass Monkey in Cronulla.