Full retard

This was published on the Scriveners Fancy website a couple of weeks ago. Thought I'd post it here too. i wrote it in that weird early January period when all entertainers get the Heebs . Staring at their new, empty diarys and wondering whether the jig is finally up this year...

The movie Tropic Thunder was somehow arranged/written/directed or edited in a way that all the actors in it were doing cameos. No one had to really carry the whole thing and so they could all chew the scenery and be as stoopid as they wanted. Suited Jack Black perfectly as thats how he got his whole thing going. Its got an elaborate plot and an exotic setting and is in some ways a movie about acting. There is a great scene where Robert Downey Jnr (who is playing Russell Crowe in blackface) lectures Ben Stiller as to where he went wrong in his movie “Simple Jack”. He tells him that he went wrong by going “full retard” and that the audience could not identify with the chracter. He mentions other, more successful films and performances where the actors only went “half retard” and so the audience was allowed to empathize. These films being “Rainman” and “Forrest Gump”. The characters were damaged but had gifts. They weren’t ’full retard”.
I wonder if this applies to musicians too? For me , Green Day are full retard, and so is Robbie Williams. I know they are very successfull but perhaps the audience is full retard as well? And the entire business. Wolfmother are full retard. Still , I’m talking about my faulty perception. IMH(hr)O. So too for so many of the people on whatever kind of charts are being pimped around by whatever kind of flophouse media has the advertising numbers to back itself into existence. I mean it’d be easy to just take potshots at people wouldn’t it? Basically , to be half retard is the best you can hope for and that means you cant get into the vibe of the full retards. You can’t hear what they’re sayin’. Somebody’s blocked.
There were some acts of course who , as Lil Wayne said, “started out hustlin’ an ended up ballin” . I mean, they wuz half an’ then they wuz full. Maybe even Lil Wayne hisself? Rod Steward might have gone either way. Depends if you like “Maggie May” or “do ya think I’m sexy”. Both pretty spiffy if you ask me. The critics have him as a loser though. He flies home one of his mansions on either coast of America every night whenever he tours there. On his private jet. Fool! I don’t like his recent albums of “ American classics” though. Definitely, artistically, FULL RETARD. I like people who trash themselves just because they can. Bryan Ferry is a bit like that, though I’ve never heard anything by him that wasn’t at the least intriguing or interesting. The early Roxy albums were definitely only half retard though. I love them to pieces.

The Ramones looked to be full retard but , perhaps, had that special , dazzingly rare gift to be able to appeal to the full retards in us all? The Cramps the same. They (we) wanted in to the house of the WIGS!

Then , at this time of year, which is really gloomy and slow, you start to question the whole shithouse. Turn on the radio. Well that is definitely full retard. Comercial radio and its pompous , shrill emptiness and the full house of comedy talent that they get to front it? FULL RETARD!

Thanks christ for SPORTS RADIO! Its not retarded at all, only when the sports people try to be funny. Otherwise , its grim and deathly serious. The only signal on that frequency in the country.

TV is the home of FULL RETARD I guess. I’m even looking forward to “the big bang theory” coming back onto the screen! This week they are having the kinds of ads during the six o’clock news that are usually only seen on the midnight to dawn shifts. I mean “Car City” and upcoming art film shows at ACMI!! This is a tough month for entertainers, the jig is up! They’re all entertaining themselves!
Rock Festivals are FULL RETARD. Really, nothing ever sounds any good and theres no drama in the performance. Its only there to test out big pas , temporary construction techniques and security company communication systems.
Basically Australia is full retard. Well, Sydney and Brisbane especially. Oh and Hobart! Perths so far away we don’t have to worry , Adelaide is cute - something interesting we left on the window sill to see what happens and Melbourne has been tested and is definitely , certifiably only half retard. We have a towering bridges over dank , stagnant puddles and a long tunnel for cars and trucks thats actually a tube floating in silt ! And Lord of the Fries!
Kevin Rudd and Tony Abbott are full retard. Alan Jones, Kyle Sandilands. Shit, where do you stop?
Harmonicas and didgeridoos are full retard. One note ponies those ones. And when they sit in with a rock band , they sit ON IT! Okay out in a paddock or at the far end of a country train platform though. Nice. Take it back to half in that case.
Rolling Stone Magazine is full retard. I mean the Australian one as well as the Yankee one. What did Everett True say? Someting about ours having added Silverchair? The mainstream media in general is totally full retard. Tryin’ to get the attention of people who don’t read it , listen to it or watch it. Golf is full retard. Thats obvious. Tiger Woods is also, obviously , only half retard. He was young, rich and horny. In a world full of tees, holes, birdies, clubs, greens, eagles and money that he got for just turning up. Full retard situation as far as the eye could see. Land Ho! Fore! May I invade your sacred space with my magic wand?
Facebook , Myspace and Twitter and whatever other social networks are full retard. People get to go nowhere all over again. Hollywood movies. The tv comedy “Friends” and anybody who ever even knew anybody who got a laugh out of it. Wanking is full retard. Especially with a belt around your neck thats tied to a door and a piece of orange peel in your mouth and you’re wearing high heels and suspenders. In a cupboard. Picking your nose and farting are only half retard of course. Very enjoyable explorations and expiations actually. Nobody dies! Find a paddock though. Perhaps something you could do it at a rock festval?
Having sex and sleeping are definitely only half retard. Waking up is , as almost everybody knows, extremely FULL RETARD.
Growing old is the most fully retarded of things. And dying? WTF! ROFL! LMAO! ERRRRKKKK! PLOP! FR!