My Maton Mastersound advertising pitch (1998)

In 1998 was asked to write some copy for the relaunch of a classic Australian electric guitar. This is what I came up with. I don't know whether it was ever used too much. I thought it was cool.I waited for the advertising companies to call me asking for help but the phone remained silent. Still , the mastersound is a cool guitar. Josh Homme plays 'em too! ....

The return of the Mastersound.
In 1969 the last rocket was sent off from the Woomera rocket range in remote South Australia.This was the first and only government and private enterprise space mission and the payload was most intriguing.Maton Guitar technician,Garth Stringer, after six days exhaustive training at Puckapunyal,was on board with a top secret brief which was to revolutionise the electric guitar as the then world knew it.
Working from a hunch that the zero gravity environment of deep space and the strong possibility of encountering strange astral energies he was on a mission to produce an electric guitar pickup of unearthly power and breadth of tone.Having developed the MAGNAMETAL core of the pickup at the Maton Hangar 61 Bayswater he wanted to energise the ANISOTROPIC FERRITE MAGNETS( or flankers) by passing them between two enormous metal pillars he had spotted on the surface of the moon just around the bend from the SEA OF TRANQUILLITY which he had heard from a bloke at NASA were definitely positive and negative.The weightless atmosphere on the moon would enable him to pass the magnets between the pillars in a smooth under and overarm movement at an extremely slow speed that would be impossible here on EARTH.The power transferred to each pickup would be comparable to that of the atomic bombs then being tested by the Poms at Maralinga in remote South Australia.It was Garths hope that an AUSTRALIAN guitarist with this REVOLUTIONARY PICK UP SYSTEM would be able to RULE THE WORLD yet not have to get TOO UP HIMSELF in the process.This pick up was to be used on a STRIKINGLY MODERN guitar design the maton brains trust had cooked up which was to be called THE MASTERSOUND.
By all accounts from the survivors,Stringer achieved his goal on his first pass through the LUNAR PILLARS,achieving an unheard of GAUSS READING on the 2nd QUADRANT of the HYSTERESIS CURVE.Mission was accomplished however at an incredible cost as Stringer was never seen again.The command module,apparently believing Garth had scrambled aboard,left him on the surface and flew back to Woomera.A subsequent inquiry found that the pilot ,KEN CHEESEY’ CRAFTER had followed all the correct procedures in asking for a head count before take off but unfortunately,in the dim lunar light,had mistaken a spare space suit slumped in the corner for the living figure of Stringer.
Fast forward to 1998.
That would be the rather tragic end to the story of one more AUSSIE VISIONARY in the line of LOGIE BAIRD and LUDWIG LEICHARDT were it not for the strange turn of events that led to an American unmanned lunar exploration module coming across Stringers haversack full of pickups lying on the rocky bed of the moon between two pillars somewhere in the SEA OF TRANQUILLITY in late 1997.Having laid in the enormous magnetic field for two decades has given the FERRITE MAGNETS such an unearthly powerful charge that they are now used to polarise and power the mass produced pickups at MATONS BAYSWATER FACTORY.These are the MOST POWERFUL PICKUPS KNOWN TO MANKIND.They provide hero Aussie guitarists with THE FATTEST TONE POSSIBLE THIS SIDE OF THE SEA OF TRANQUILLITY.
With respect to Garth Stringers late sixties sensibility,all maton guitars are made only from regrowth trees.For the MASTERSOUND,there is however only one kind of wood that is acceptable.Whilst on his fateful trip to the moon,Stringer radioed back that he could identify a hitherto “LOST VALLEY OF TREES” in a certain part of highland NSW.This ARAUCARIA wood (regrowth only) is used exclusively for THE MASTERSOUND and provides that famed WARM,FUZZY TONE so beloved of guitar players the world over.
Boogie on,Space Cowboys